Getting a word in early……………Dear Santa

Never having written a Dear Santa letter in my youth, this week I write to him for the first time in my weekly column:

I am going to do something that I have never heretofore done. I am going to write a letter to Santa. I do not remember ever writing to Santa to ask for something for Christmas, so it is nigh high time. I may have scribbled a note to him left with milk and cookies, but a true Dear Santa letter has never been written, so here goes:

Dear Santa;

Hope all is well at the North Pole and that the elves are being diligent. Tell your wife hello and wish her a Merry Christmas for me. I suspect you are getting ready for the big day even though it is still a month away. I hear you were in my small town last week in the parade, and from all accounts you did yourself proud.

Okay, now that I have dispensed with the preliminaries, let me get down to the nitty gritty of this letter. As you probably know by now, people write to you asking for gifts but in the process couch their requests in niceties as we have been taught that it is impolite to be greedy. Far be it from me to be thought greedy, but at this time of year I have to admit, I like to receive as well as give. I am being honest here and hope you will at least get me some credit for that.

I would like to ask for peace on earth and that everyone be fed and clothed and warm this winter but I know that it is not your responsibility, so I will leave that to a higher source to guide the rest of us to continue the quest that though seems impossible, is not one we should give up on.

Okay, so here is what I want for Christmas. It is a book called “The Sense of Style: The Thinking Person’s Guide to Writing in the 21st Century.” Quite a mouthful isn’t it? I can understand why you might think that it is a rather pretentious request, and a less than modest one, in that the title includes the words “The Thinking Person”, but I think I should be congratulated for wanting to better myself.

The book is written by Steven Pinker, who until he wrote the book was a high ranking academic (and still is, the fact that he wrote the book did not change his status.) He was born in Montreal, is around my age, and seems to be approaching the whole thing of grammar in a rather tongue-in-cheek way from the review I read in the Sunday Toronto Star. Tongue-in-cheek, yet still serious.

Pinker, unlike legions of us lesser folk, believes that “grammar is a fascinating subject in its own right”. Now I must admit that I like grammar too, though I break many of its tenets on a regular basis. In order to make the subject more appealing to a broader base he says that one should think of “grammar as the original sharing app” which is our “solution (for) getting complicated thoughts from one head into another.”

He rails against what he calls academic “highfalutin’ gobbledygook” wherein academics use “ponderousness as proof of gravitas” when in reality “their writing stinks”. I know firsthand whereof he speaks having turned out numerous essays in my younger days that make me scratch my head when I reread them today. (It humbles me that I do not understand the writings of my youth, but then I comfort myself with the fact that one has to put them in the context of being an answer to a dubious assignment by a crafty professor.)

Santa, I know it makes me sound like a bit of a book nerd to want this book for Christmas when I could ask for shiny baubles, warm sweaters, and perfume (all of which are welcome btw) but I have always found that the voice behind the books I read are comforting, compelling, and sometimes I even learn something (though retaining it is another story).

I am convinced that I want this book merely by reading a deft review by Jim Coyle. In his article he dedicated the last paragraph to a quote by Pinker who stated rather elegantly that “To a literate reader, a crisp sentence, an arresting metaphor, a witty aside, an elegant turn of phrase are among life’s greatest pleasures.”

Santa, just so you do not feel any undue pressure, I am letting my husband read this letter too—so between the two of you maybe you can come up with a plan to have this book, shiny and new, wrapped up and under my Christmas tree, in oh say, a month’s time?

With love and admiration, LouAnn

What would you ask Santa for?

WWHGD? or What Would…………….Do?

This is my Valentine offering for my weekly newspaper column. Thought I would share it with you:

  I claim there ain’t
Another Saint
As great as Valentine. ~Ogden Nash

                I am of two minds when it comes to Valentine’s Day. My romantic sensitive self wants roses and chocolates. My sensible self scoffs at being manipulated to want roses and chocolates. What to do, what to do? According to timeanddate.com, Valentine’s Day was promoted in the mid-nineteenth century by manufacturers of paper lace and cards as a “means of increasing their sales.” As Gomer Pile used to say: “Surprise, surprise.”

                I thought I would get a male perspective on Valentine’s Day, so I conducted a little interview with Mr. Everyman:

 1. Q: Do you like Valentine’s Day?

A. It serves its purpose. When I was “wooing” my wife, it served as a way to show her I loved her—actually let me tell the truth—if you are dating someone, and you do not get them anything for Valentine’s Day, it has been my experience that on February 15^th you are a lonely man. Now to answer your question—no, I do not like Valentine’s Day—there are too many expectations and many men are just not up to the task.

2. Q: Do you like getting gifts on Valentine’s Day?

A: Yes. I have never figured out why it is such a female-centric holiday, though you can forget the roses—who wants something that dies in a few days? I love it when my “significant other” makes me a special meal.

3. Q: Have you ever made your wife a special meal?

A: Um………….

4. Q: Never?

A. Yeah, yeah I have—steak and baked potatoes and salad with little chunks of cheese. But the piece de resistance was my bacon wrapped smoked oysters. Won my wife over with those. She thought I could cook—boy I had her fooled.

5. Q: So, what are the origins of Valentine’s Day in your mind?

A: The card companies and flower companies and candy companies all got together and thought there should be a yearly holiday featuring their wares—after Christmas and before Easter there was this big gap and they had trouble putting food on the table. Then the jewellery stores got into the picture and there was no going back.

6. Q: Ever heard of St. Valentine?

A: Yeah, he is second cousin to Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy’s brother.

7. Q: What did you get your wife this year?

A. Well, times are a little hard…………..

8. Q. You mean you aren’t getting her anything?

A: Yes, yes of course—I just have to put a little thought into it…………..*Did you know that the middle of February is thought to be the time that birds choose their mates?  And that around 1380 Chaucer wrote a poem for the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II to Anne of Bohemia and that is thought to be the first association between celebrations of romantic love and St. Valentine’s day?

9.  Q: Are you changing the subject on purpose?

A: No, no—just a little trivia—I get tired of all the Saint Valentine stories at this time of year. And who came up with Chubs, I mean Cupid—what a weird little toddler. A cherub with a bow and arrow was someone’s idea of a good image for romance? Bad branding, if you ask me………..

10. Q: Do you have a romantic bone in your body?

A: I think they took it out when I had my appendix removed. My wife did get me a WWHGD (what would Hugh Grant Do?) bracelet though and I think it is starting to work. I have to dash now to florists’, and grab a box of chocolates at the drug store………

                There you have it—the only answer that resembles my husband is number four. I really did think he could cook. Don’t tell him I told you this but one of his favourite movies is Love Actually, and one Valentine’s Day (a long, long time ago) he put different coloured bouquets of roses in several rooms of the house and he placed the requisite (and much appreciated) box of chocolates in a beribboned red heart-shaped box beside one of the bouquets.  I am hoping for an encore performance at some point.

                Unlike Mr. Everyman, I like cut flowers, even if they are short-lived (but on my more cynical days, I may hold some of his views.) Happy Valentine’s Day to all and to all a box of chocolates!

*trivia from timeanddate.com

Christmas Cards ~ A Remnant of the Past?

Christmas card by Louis Prang (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“A card in the mail was the equivalent of a gift from the sender….”  LizzieCracked from the blog, Running Naked With Scissors.

As of today, December 19, 2012, I have received seven Christmas cards, and I have sent seven. I miss waiting for the mail at Christmastime with the anticipation that I will receive what Lizzie calls “a gift from the sender”. Put in this perspective, I may just get my pen and Christmas cards out and “gift” a few more people with this little present of thoughtfulness.

It is too late to mail cards out but I can hand deliver some or put them in mailboxes and slip stealthily away, knowing this little gesture will bring a smile from someone remembered.

When did I get out of the habit of sending masses of Christmas cards, and receiving about the same number back? Did I get lazy? Maybe. Did I stop when I had kids? Yes, probably, but they should not be blamed for my lackadaisical attitude.

It is no longer all that inexpensive to send a card–in Canada I think a stamp is about .59 (I am not sure though, so what does that tell you?). It may be too late to totally revive the tradition this year, but I think I will start. I know how much I love getting  cards–I usually tape them to my front closet door in the shape of a Christmas tree. If I do not get enough cards this year to make a proper tree design I may just have to get into my stash of cards from days gone by. I think I have kept every card I have received in the last thirty years–they are tied together in separate bundles with the year they were received noted on the front with a Post-It.

So let this be my Christmas card to all of you. Though it was not addressed and stamped–my heartfelt wish is that you have a Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday or Merry Happy (as I like to call it ~ terminology all of my own).

So have you continued the tradition of sending Christmas cards or have you eschewed it for other forms of good wishes?

*~* My Favourite Things*~*

(Photo credit: Evil Monkey Ali)

Note: While I will not be writing any original posts this week–I thought I would “post” (sounds like I am mailing this to you) my weekly column that will be appearing in the Kingsville Reporter this week. So hot off the presses, I present this to you: ( now must get my nose back to the grindstone–I hear the sound of a cracking whip–better go~)

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings ; These are a few of my favourite things.”

I know I do not have Oprah’s status (and money and fame and success) but I do have some favourite things. She does not have the corner on this (although she could afford to buy that corner).

Her favourite things include an Easy Rider electric bike with an ugly lime green helmet; $198 cotton knit cable sweater; some spa products she discovered at David Copperfield’s (when I was at David’s I was not that impressed with them); a $395 pink leather bag from the Tory Burch store, which she saw and just had to have as “she was strolling down Madison Avenue” (I am holding out for a Burkin bag); some soap that only costs $238 for 14 bars, which she gave to Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Colbert; a mattress for $2,699 (which she now has in every bedroom of her house—which means her mattresses are probably worth more than my house); an elliptical cross trainer that was originally $3,099 and is only $2,789 with a coupon; and the piece de resistance, and the only thing I can afford from her list of 95 favourite things is a blue velvet cake with cream cheese icing and sugar snowflakes. At $42, I could think about it.

A Hermès Birkin bag. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am going to be upfront: my favourite things do not include things such “as raindrops on roses, or whiskers on kittens”. I am a bit less, shall we say, whimsical than that. I mentioned the Birkin bag, which is, according to Wik E. Pedia, “a handbag by Hermès, handmade in leather and named after (British) actress and singer Jane Birkin.” It is “a symbol of wealth due to its high price and elusiveness to the public.^” Its price range? $9000 to $150,000. Costs apparently “escalate according to the type of materials.” They are fashioned “on unpredictable schedules and in limited quantities” to create scarcity and exclusivity. I am sure Oprah has a few of these, but was afraid to include them in her favourite things as they are out of reach of everyone but the 2% (or is it 1%?). I am including it because I plan on the winning the lottery. Soon. The big one. (Did you know that people who think they are going to win the lottery do not have their feet planted securely on terra firma?)

I have no argument with Oprah–she chooses a bunch of lovely stuff, then proceeds to give it away to some lucky people—I have not yet figured out how to be one of those lucky people, so I have created a list of my favourite things. Much more modest than Oprah’s, it consists of:

1. Anything that sparkles—I think I was a magpie in another life. Sparkly things have a wide range in price—I am not too choosy unless it is gaudy. Now, gaudy does not include an 8 carat yellow diamond (in case you were wondering).

2. Books—all kinds—books you can write in, books you can read for enjoyment, books you can learn from (as long as I am not being tested—went to school for about a hundred years—no more tests!); books with pretty pictures, kids’ books—okay, I think you are getting the idea here.

3. Boy boots. Seriously an odd choice I know. But, my husband who looks out for me and loves, loves, loves Canadian Tire saw a pair of women’s boots (that look like men’s boots) on sale for 60% off. They have laces and felt liners, and big treads on the bottom (I am prone to falling down, hence earning the name grace). Now, they look clunky but are kind of gold in colour (almost sparkly) with black rubber toes. So, my feet will not get wet and stay warm and toasty in the winter to come. So, my boots, while they are not sleek and leather and fashionable, are my new favourite thing.

Oh, and I do like surprises as in “brown paper packages tied up with strings” but you can keep the raindrops and whiskers (sorry Kitty Bob), and bright copper kettles. The mittens though would go with my new almost sparkly “boy boots”.