When

At a poetry workshop last February I wrote two versions of the same poem. Tell me which one you like best. My fellow poets liked the “darker” one best. Here they are: the lighter one first; the darker one follows:

When
When I was younger
I dreamt dreams
of forever.

Now
I dream dreams
of maybe, perhaps, could be…

I know I will be happy
When
My dreams come true.

When ll
When I was younger
I dreamt dreams
Of forever

Now
I dream dreams
Of maybe, perhaps, could be…

I know
I will be sad
When there are no more dreams.

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Published in: on June 11, 2015 at 2:34 pm  Comments (24)  

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24 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I like both of them for different reasons and have many such poems myself. Perhaps hang on to both of them and use them in the best place at the best time? x

  2. Although I agree that the second one is darker, I do like it better. It’s nice that the first one is positive for sure, but I think the second one is more realistic.

  3. The second one brings out more emotion…..almost a stab to the heart. The first one is more child like, the way I imagine I felt as a child. Hmmm, tough call Lou. I guess I can’t choose, I really like both.

  4. I like the first one, but I’m a cynical sob.

  5. When II

  6. I love them both – depends on the mood of the day. 🙂

  7. I do actually like the second one better… because the first one kind of says you’re not really satisfied and waiting for” better’ /dreams to make you happy

    and the second one emphasizes that it would be sad not to have any dreams Diane

  8. I can’t tell you why but I like the second version as well, Lou. Perhaps it’s inevitable that all our dreams won’t come true — that would take several lifetimes. Who knows, maybe that’s what we get to do, huh? Have a wonderful weekend, my friend!

    • I like your take on it–all our dreams coming true would be such a letdown–what else would we have to look forward to?

  9. My emotions draw me to the first one though my practicality draws me to the second. It’s a daily battle I have with myself (idealism vs. reality) and though I still struggle with it, I think your poems show that I’m not the only one trying to balance the two. 😉

    • I think it is very apparent from my two endings that I am imbalanced

      • Not imbalanced but good at considering that there is always more than one side to things 🙂

      • seriously, your are the sweetest girl!

  10. They both bring different images.
    I like the scene in the 1st one – it holds hope.
    The 2nd one was sad. But – makes one think too.


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