Kitty Bob is a Poet

My cat has written a book. I truly believe this. Even though he goes by the nom de plume of Francesco Marciuliano, I know he is the true author of a little book I picked up called “I Could Pee On This”. I know this because that is my cat’s philosophy. Exactly.

Up front I will declare quite candidly that I am not a cat lover. I like my cat. My husband and my two sons LOVE the cat. Sincerely and deeply, without reservation, uncompromisingly, and without question. Whenever the cat pees on something they all think there must be something wrong; they believe the cat has an infection (which he did once but we took him to the vet and had it taken care of). I think the cat sometimes pees when I either (a) do not feed him soon enough; (b) do not let him go out soon enough so he can party hardy; or (c) just because he likes to pee on things.
The first poem in the book confirms my theories. Called, “I Could Pee on This”, it backs up my feelings. See what you think: 

I Could Pee on This
Her new sweater doesn’t smell of me
I could pee on that
She’s gone out for the day and
left her laptop on the counter
I could pee on that
Her new boyfriend just pushed
my head away
I could pee on him
She’s ignoring me ignoring her
I could pee everywhere
She’s making up for it
by putting me on her lap
I could pee on this
I could pee on this………….

And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I think my cat thinks. Sure he is cute and cuddly and has a charming white splash of fur under his chin. Sure, he makes the rest of my family happy—and for this he is allowed to live in my house. But I am onto him. I know that if I do not feed him when he wants to be fed, he will pee on something. Never mind that it is nowhere near his mealtime—I acquiesce in order to save the carpet, or my clothes, my bookwork, or his favourite spot under the AC in the hallway upstairs.

The cat has not peed on my laptop—for that I am not sure I could forgive him. But I am not sure he has forgiven us for something that happened to him, oh, say eight years ago. He outlines quite clearly in this poem called quite simply ~

Seriously
Seriously?
Seriously?!
SERIOUSLY?!
If I took YOU to the doctor
I would make damn sure
You came back with both of them
Down there
Now if you’ll excuse me
I’m going to look forlornly out the window
For like eighteen years
Eighteen loooooooooooong years
Seriously?!

Okay, I understand now. Sorry, Kitty Bob.

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Published in: on September 11, 2014 at 10:08 am  Comments (13)  

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13 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m sitting here laughing out loud!! Not a cat lover myself – more of a cat ‘liker’ – but I swear my dogs gave us the same look after their fateful trips to the vet. As for cat pee? No greater punishment than perhaps spraying one’s self with “Love’s Musk Spray” – which many a young girl doused herself in when I was growing up. They then graduated to “Love’s Baby Soft” – a milder version, but one that I swear still smelled like cat’s pee…

    • ha ha – now we are much more careful with the scents we wear!!
      do you think our pets ever forget and forgive?

      • I think they forgive when it suits them…;-)

      • I so agree….

  2. Wow!! Funniest blog post I have read in a long time, especially since I am not a cat lover either. I can’t stop laughing. You are so clever LouAnn :).

  3. Too funny!😃😛

  4. This was hilarious. I am a cat person through and through, but I doubt I’d be all patient if my cat was peeing all over the place! Also I now want to read this book. Sounds too funny!

  5. Ha!

  6. Thanks for the laugh Lou Ann, I needed it! I love my cat but if she peed on anything I’m not sure how much freedom she’d have to do it again…. Diane

  7. OMG you really gave me the laugh I have been needing for a while 😛

    Cheers
    Choc Chip Uru


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