Something a little lighter ~ one might call it flakier

THE HAGUE: Prison Gate

THE HAGUE: Prison Gate (Photo credit: Akbar Simonse)

I received an email today that I think was supposed to make me angry. But instead I was left relieved. It showed a beautiful building with a pool and game courts and some rather luxurious amenities. But it was not a new hotel or spa. It was a newly built prison. I was supposed to be outraged about how my government was spending our money—but I was not.

What the person who sent me the email did not know was that my plans for retirement include perpetrating a crime that will get me into one of these institutions of higher learning. It will not be a heinous crime—just one bad enough to get me incarcerated in one of the nicer prisons—sort of like when Martha Stewart went to jail and taught her “roommates” how to

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

cook and crochet and make potpourri bundles.

I have not quite figured out the crime I am going to carry out—but it will be one I can undo once I have achieved my goal. If I steal a great deal of money, I will just hide it and give it back. If I get a stock “tip” I will give back the money I earned dishonestly. I am not going to hurt anyone or do any real damage.

This is what comes of being a freelancer – no pension, nothing saved, and not much earned to speak of. If you have any ideas for me of the perfect non-violent crime that can be undone once my housing arrangements are finalized, don’t be shy—share them with me.

Right now, I am supposed to be doing some bookwork for my husband’s company (something which involve my nemesis:numbers) so I am procrastinating once again and creating something  I like to call “a little less than literature.”

Published in: on August 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm  Comments (46)  
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46 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m in – Let me in on your plan so that we can end up at the same place…

  2. Wow that Martha Stewart gets around — that is the 2nd time I’ve seen that pic on WP today. In all seriousness…it’s sickening isn’t it? it wouldn’t surprise me if some people DO commit crimes just to get caught and have free room and board….

  3. but if you were can we make sure we go to this one?
    I think I would working in the gardens for it just feels like there is one…
    Thanks OTHFaB, I like the lighter side….I have been in the dark a bit too much lately,
    Take Care…

    • lol – I will see if I can arrange it

      • I will be impatiently waiting LOLs

  4. I love your take on things! I’ll get thinking for the ‘won’t hurt anyone’ crime to get you into your choice of retirement home!! 🙂

  5. Funny and understandable!

  6. Maybe we could be cell mates or at least on the same floor. it’s my fallback retirement plan if the lotto thing doesn’t work out. And I’m joking too, of course.

    • so you are planning on the lotto thing too, eh? I am almost at the giving up stage on that one, and have moved up the prison as fallback retirement(lol) – have to add that in case the Mounties read this

      • I realize the lotto thing is a long shot, especially onside ring I don’t buy tickets. I’m still working on ideas for the perfect white collar crime to get me into club fed.

      • well if you come up with an idea–I will commit it down near Windsor way and you commit it close to where you live–part of the whole plan is getting caught–
        club fed–I like it

      • Deal! And that word was supposed to be considering. I’ve spent the day in hospital and it seems to have scrambled my brain and typing.

      • I know this is getting a little long – but why were you at the hospital – I was too but it was just to keep a friend company

      • It’s nice to have a bit of conversation sometimes. I bet your friend enjoyed the company. I was just in getting a bit of IV go juice (steroids) to hopefully hasten the end of a new MS flare. Nothing terribly serious, just annoying. Nobody likes to be slowed down. With luck, I’ll be back to work by tomorrow or the next day.

      • take good care of yourself – I would say God bless you but I do not have that authority – so with whatever authority I have– I wish it for you – I forget as you do not mention it much (hugs)

      • Thanks. See, you just kept two people company today.

      • very happy to keep you company – now I will leave you be for awhile

  7. I enjoyed this post, it reminds me of the story just a week or so ago of the elderly woman who was selling crack and got arrested. She said (not an exact quote) if they let her go she’d do it again because she had no other way to survive and would be more comfortable in prison. pretty sad if that’s what we have to look forward to in our golden years.

    • that story is just a little too real – hopefully mine is tongue in cheek–and I will not have to employ it

      • I agree, keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.

  8. I love your cynical wit!

  9. Have you thought of challenging Mike Tyson to a round or too – you’d make millions straight off- wouldn’t you? I’ve been trying to persuade my 83 year old husband for years, but he just funks it. I’ve also tried to get him to get himself made redundant with a big pay-off cheque, but he just doesn’t get the message.
    Hope these ideas will be of help – then you wouldn’t need to go inside for the term of your natural life

    • Mike Tyson – would have to have him sign a contract that he wouldn’t bit off my ear.
      Sorry your husband is not taking your advice (lol).
      Maybe I should just get my book(s) written and hope to have a movie of the week made of some of them – ha ha.

  10. I, too, have conspired to go to prison. But a colorful ex-con that I worked with changed my mind about that. And now I’m inspired to write a post about that :o)

    • Do it before I put my plan to work–looking forward to reading it.

      • Just posted it. Thanks for the inspiration, and for helping me to revisit this life-altering time with humor. I hope it changes your mind about the glories of life in prison.

      • I promise you I am not going to go through with this–but I must slip over and read your post now.

  11. I like your “a little less than literature” Fun read 😉

  12. Hi honey 🙂

    I’ve nominated you for an award, but please don’t feel obligated to accept 😉


  13. Could you “cook your husband’s books?” It’s the type of accounting crime that should land you in a classier place than the dungeons for shoplifters and dog beaters. You’d have to make a really big financial error. If you only make small ones the worst that will happen is your husband will fire your from keeping the books. Now that I think of it, that could be a win-win situation, no matter which way you go. Be sure to check out the color of the prison uniforms and try to go somewhere they don’t wear those fluorescent orange ones. Nothing will match those.

    • I am probably already cooking the books through my ineptitude – but you have given me an idea – boy I wish he would fire me from doing the books – that would be heaven
      I am thinking a lovely coral, or even beige/cream you can dress up with pearls and lovely scarves–what do you think?

  14. Had a similar conversation with a friend about life in prison. It’s probably not THAT great….. I too have been procrastinating for over a week on bookwork that needs to get done. I keep saying I will do it on a rainy day…. easy to say during a drought year.

  15. with the cost of retirement and the economy like it is, I think this is an excellent plan. Sign me up.

  16. Why didn’t I think of this? LOL!! You’re giving me ideas…want a partner in crime?? 🙂

    • sure – meet me at the corner of Main and Division – there are three banks within walking distance

      • Yes! A plan is in the works! LOL

  17. Hey sounds like there will be a whole group of us, ditto with the same problem for myself. I used to tell everyone there are always short-cuts, so I’m still working on one for this, I’ll share though when I get it figured out. Kind of like a really cool art colony only the artists are a smidge older, well some anyway! 🙂

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