Weekend Bliss

Snow covered trees dressed in winter bling. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

~Winter Bliss~

Snow gently settles on fragile branches

Clothing bare branches

stripped of leaves by the season;

Dressing them in winter bling.

 

This little “poem of sorts” by a self-described “poet of little merit” (me, in case you were wondering) was inspired by yesterday’s lovely snowfall. There was no howling wind. Big puff balls of snow lazily fell out of the sky, covering the dull brown earth and dormant grass. It turned a world of cold days, blustering winds, and bundled to the nose weeks into an instant, if fleeting winter wonderland.

Friends (us someday) (Photo credit: aftab.)

I was invited to lunch with two friends whom I have known for decades. We ate a lovely lunch and settled in the living room which featured a large window looking out over a tiny forest of trees made fragile due to old age. The trees in spring and summer show their age as many no longer wear their leaves of youth, but in the winter snow they were transformed to their youthful beauty.

Sips of tea (okay it was really wine), convivial conversation, laughter, and a fond but sad parting made for a wonderful February Saturday afternoon when troubles were momentarily forgotten.

What is your favourite way to unwind and enjoy friends?

Happiness and Bliss

fraternal twins (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“…happiness need not shout its presence…” ~ Mimi from Waiting for the Karma Truck (mimijk)

Happiness is the  twin sister of bliss, but not identical. Fraternal if you will. As I continue my bliss project in its many guises– happiness, that seemingly elusive state of bliss, is within our reach. William Morris said that: “The true secret of happiness lies in the taking (of) a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.” Gretchen Rubin, author of the “Happiness Project”, and more recently the book “Happier at Home” took a “genuine interest in all the details of daily life” in both of her books.

Her first book on happiness spent more than 60 weeks on The Globe and Mail bestseller list, so obviously the topic resonates with the general public. Five years later, while her happiness project did not really change her life, she says that it “did heighten my happiness”.  In the introduction to her latest book she said, “I was able to change my life without changing my life”. This meant not taking her circumstances for granted, or allowing herself to become vexed by petty annoyances or fleeting worries. She wanted “to appreciate… life more and live up to it better.”

Why did Gretchen want to expand her happiness project, or more accurately, focus it on home? In her own words, she says, “Behind our unremarkable front door waits the little world of our making, a place of safety, exploration, comfort, and love.”

The “Happier at Home” book is broken down into monthly chapters. January is the month she decides to “Cram My Day with What I Love.” The first month of the New Year gives her a “fresh burst of resolution-keeping zeal.” She decided her theme for the year would be: ‘Bigger’. Contrary to the ever popular “urge to simplify, keep things small and manageable”, ‘Bigger’ challenged her to “think big” and “tolerate complications and failure”.

I think this is a breakthrough. We are so often counselled to simplify our lives, to unclutter, declutter and sometimes almost live in a sterile environment that is then supposed to breed comfort, bliss, success, and simplicity.

Gretchen says that she violates the standard happiness advice in these ways: she and her husband got a bigger TV in their bedroom; she never has dates nights with her husband; whenever possible she reads when she eats; she refuses to try meditation; and she listens to all-news radio all night long. We are often told not to have a TV in our bedrooms and if we do, it should be small; we are chastised for not finding specific “couple time”; we are told to eat our meals deliberately with no outside influences; meditation is the be-all and end-all for relaxation; and news is supposed to steal our bliss.

I too like to read when I eat (when I am alone); watch the news; and I find meditation stressful. I like Gretchen’s honesty, and that she breaks the rules to create her own kind of happiness.

Do you break the standard happiness rules to find your bliss?

Day 3 ~ What Bliss Is Not

The beauty we see, is the magic we feel Photo credit: || UggBoy♥UggGirl ||

“You don’t know what you’re going to get into when you follow your bliss.” ~ James Hillman

 James Hillman was a psychologist, born 12 April 1926. He died 27 October 2011. Between those two sentences was a life. I am not going to give you a rundown of this brilliant man’s life–but his simple remark that “You don’t know what you’re getting into when you follow your bliss” is not contextualized here, but if you Google him, you will find a man who found his bliss. Seriously, if you have not heard of him, he is worthy of your time. I just did a cursory search, found his obituary, and was impressed with how this man used his life.

In finding my bliss, I want to use my life. I think that the thing that keeps me, and most people going, is to use the gifts we have been given and not squander them. I have been guilty of wasting time and energy on things that I know now were not part of the reason I was put on earth. But I think in doing those things, I discovered, by process of elimination what I was not meant to do. All those things that we do contextualize our lives and give it meaning.

Bliss is not a dead end. It is not just getting by. It is noticing all those things that make us vibrant human beings. It is that first cup of coffee in the morning (excuse me while I go get mine); reading the paper and discussing it with your spouse; delighting in the good news of others; watching a favourite program (my latest obsession, Downton Abbey comes to mind); eating a particularly good meal; expecting company. It takes so many forms, small and big. Don’t get me wrong, I am trying to find the big bliss things too, but I recognize when magic happens–and when I win that big lottery, or publish my first book I will be ready.

I think Hillman had a good point: you have to be ready for bliss, you have to recognize it~or it will elude you. Though his statement sounds like a warning, I would like to take it as his way of saying bliss is a delight we need to embrace. I think he is daring us to find our bliss.

Are you afraid to find your bliss?

Gifts ~ Is It the Thought that Counts?

Pile of gifts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Care to appear happy…..” ~ Saint Therese

Do you ever buy yourself Christmas presents? I do. One of my presents to myself this year is Gretchen Rubin’s book “Happier at Home”. I loved her first book, “The Happiness Project” so thought I would get this sequel of sorts.

In the December chapter of her book, she gives two particularly good pieces of advice. The first is taken from her favourite “obsession”, Saint Therese of Lisieux, whose philosophy entailed taking “care to appear happy and especially to be so.” (p. 116) This  quote from the Saint who died young of tuberculosis, tells me that being happy is something we can conjure up, something that is within our control, no matter how we feel. We can be happy (or at least appear so) if we set our mind to it for the sake of others.

The other piece of advice Gretchen provides in this chapter is extremely timely.  She says that Saint Therese emphasizes “the importance of accepting gifts in the spirit in which they are offered, instead of responding to the gift itself,” which is just another way to “care to appear happy.”

This takes us out of the equation and puts the emphasis on the person who chose the gift for us and the thought and trouble that went into the choice. I love this! I have been guilty in the past of just looking at how I will use a gift, or what I will wear it with, or whether I can keep it alive, or any number of other things, rather than the fact that the gift is an offering of love, thoughtfulness, kind-heartedness and consideration.

So, this holiday season, I am determined to take the time to respond to the spirit in which the gift is given rather than the gift itself.

Gretchen does draw the line at passive-aggressive gifts though. She says that sometimes the spirit in which a gift is given is not all that kind—for example, when someone is gifted running clothes, a certificate to a spinning class and an electronic calorie counter—a none too subtle message is being sent.

I myself would be very unhappy to receive gifts that emphasize “organizing your life”—I am afraid I would have trouble accepting them in the spirit they are given—since that spirit would be a little annoying. I do not need a “teaching moment” gift. (Pearls would be nice though–a single black pearl on a silver chain in particular if anyone is wondering–this is useless as my husband does not read my blog. It is something that he is going to get around to some day. That day has not yet come.)

Have you ever received a gift that you had to remember the spirit in which it was given, because otherwise you would wonder what the heck the person was thinking?

 

~Wise Words from John Lennon’s Mother~

John Lennon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw a quote on another *blog this morning and just had to have it on mine. I absolutely love it and it is the essence of all I believe in. John Lennon’s mother was truly a wise woman, and he was truly a wise man for taking her at her word.

He said: “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”  

It seems that we are forever striving for this illusive thing called happiness. It is not a trivial pursuit or it would not be in the American Declaration of Independence. It says that along with life and liberty, the pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right. If that doesn’t make it important, I don’t know what would–we need something like that in Canada’s Constitution (maybe we do–I will have to look into this.)

Yesterday my post was a bit self-serving—I was feeling sorry for myself, and not looking beyond a minor transgression. Today is a new day. Today I am going to grow up and be what John Lennon said he wanted to be when he grew up: Happy.

I know it does not happen just because I want it to happen (or does it?) but it is a much better way to live than the alternative. Stuff happens, I know this—but I have decided to start to be Pollyanna-ish. If you reread her books, you will find that she was not so much an optimist as a pragmatist—the girl was really pretty logical. And it is only logical to me to want to be happy.

This post is as much for me as it is for you. We all need to pursue this thing called happiness, as much as we pursue success, money, careers, and whatever else we desire.

My definition of happiness takes in the usual suspects: joy, contentment, and pleasure. But even when those things seem to be missing, I look forward to the next time “something unexpectedly pleasant happens”. It is these times that make our rather haphazard roller coaster ride on this terra firma we call earth, worthwhile.

I am ready to be happy—how about you?

*www.jumpforjoyphotoproject.com

 

UNIVERSE ~ Wakey, Wakey!

Aladdin (1992 Disney film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, Universe, listen up. I am supposed to send out positive messages to you, and in response you are supposed to grant me my every wish. Like a Genie or something. A big blue Genie—like the one in the movie Aladdin with Robin William’s voice.

So what happened here? Who broke the rules? I am sending all this positive energy to you, and what am I getting back? You say I am supposed to be patient. Get in line? That there are millions of positive messages out there, and while mine is important to you, I will just have to listen to the music and wait?

Cover of Secret of the Ages

I have read “The Secret”. I am currently reading “The Secret of the Ages” which claims to be “The Master Code to Abundance and Achievement” written by Robert Collier and originally published in 1925. The language is a bit stunted but the message is the same. The blurb at the front of the book says “The time you put in aimlessly dreaming and wishing would accomplish marvels if it were concentrated on one definite object.”

It is obvious to me that I must concentrate on the wrong things. Truly, I want security and peace and wonderful things in my life, and while they seem to come in dribs and drabs, I want {without seeming too greedy here} a bit more than sustenance.

Seriously, Jack Canfield, what am I doing wrong? Maybe part of my problem is that  I do not follow directions well. In Collier’s book, he says that for happiness you should use these words to affirm your right to it by saying: “The joy is brighter than the sun at noonday and Thy Ways of expressing that Joy as countless as the sunbeams that shine upon our path.”

I do not generally walk around making flowery affirmations that I do not quite get. So, if I understand what Collier is saying, joy abounds and all I have to do is capture a few sunbeams?

It is obvious from my reading of Collier’s book that he is a religious man with fervour for his beliefs. He believes in letting the Big Guy take care of us. Now, I sort of do too, though sometimes I think the Big Guy could be a Big Gal—but that is a discussion for another place and time (I am just not sure what place and time.)

Meanwhile, I am not going to give up. I will persevere and stay on “hold”. I will not hang up–I don’t want to lose my place in line.

Happy in Less Than A Minute

Cover via Amazon

“I am a busy person.” ~ Sophie

Thank Sophie. She is the reason that Richard Wiseman decided to come up with some alternative ways to achieve happiness without spending  forty years in therapy, six months in an experiential study, or half a million dollars at a spa. Sophie asked Wiseman what he thought of the “self-help happiness industry”. She had just purchased a book on the subject and was curious about his take on the subject. Apparently in response, he sunk his teeth deftly but deeply into the topic and provided her with some of the complex academic works on happiness he was familiar with.

Sophie stopped him in his tracks, told him she was a “busy person” and asked him if he could come up with “some effective advice that didn’t take quite so much time to implement”.  He asked her how long. She said: “About a minute.” So he rose to the challenge and produced the book, “59 Seconds – Think A Little, Change A Lot.”

This little book is a gem of down-sized knowledge. It includes all kinds of tests and some myth busters,  with a little genuine state-of-the-art scientific knowledge to boot. Wiseman is undeniably smart. After all he is Britain’s only Professor of  the Public Understanding of Psychology, and has an international reputation for doing research in unusual areas.

If you are a “busy person” like Sophie, you can skip to the last chapter of his book, aptly named “Conclusions” where Wiseman provides 10 ways that have been scientifically studied and verified to bring happiness to your life. He says he is quite sure that he could “on a good day….describe all ten in just under a minute”. I have chosen five for your immediate consumption, and if you are curious, you can pick his book up and find out what the other five are. And if you are not too busy, you might read the whole 296 pages of his tiny tome.

Without further ado, the teaser tips are:

1. Develop the Gratitude Attitude. Nothing new here, but it bears repetition. He says you should list three things that you are grateful for each day, and by the end of the month you will be “more optimistic about the future”.

2. Be a giver. Apparently even the smallest acts of kindness produce a fast-acting and significant boost in happiness. (something like an antacid).

3. Hang a mirror in your kitchen. People who do this have a 32% reduction in their consumption of unhealthy food. (I will not be doing this.)

4. Buy a potted plant—it reduces stress and induces good moods, which promotes creativity. (Unless, of course, you are like me and forget to water it, and it dies, which then produces a sense of both guilt and failure.)

5. Touch people slightly on the upper arm. It makes people more likely to agree to a request because the touch is unconsciously perceived as a sign of high status. (I might be selective in just whom I would choose to practice this on.)

A really easy way to be happy is to behave like a happy person. And if you need some help, Wiseman recommends that you clench a pencil between your teeth, which forces the lower part of your face into a smile. He believes people who force their faces into a smile feel happier.

My suggestion?  Do this pencil trick in public, thereby not only making yourself smile, but others too—because you will look funny.

MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Cover via Amazon

 In part, this explains how I turn out a weekly column–it is a simple process–I type “On the Homefront”  (which coincidentally is the name of my newspaper column) at the top of  the page and nine times out of ten it works–I am off and running the weekly race to fill the column set aside on page 5 of the newspaper for me. That tenth time, well–sometime I will write about it……

Whenever I write a column I always type in the title “On The Homefront” first.  I don’t know exactly why, except that it seems to give me focus, so I can centre myself on the task at hand. I know that once I have committed to writing the column then that is what my agenda clears itself for. I wonder if this would work with the rest of my life.  I have a book that is titled, “Write It Down, Make It Happen”, (which I cannot find right now—must have lent it out) that prescribes this simple theory: if you write something down, you have in essence written it down in your psyche, and therefore you will (almost unwittingly) work towards that goal.

I know this works on a certain level, after all, when I write down the title of this column, then I usually make it happen. But having a deadline also works—specifically for a world-class procrastinator like me. I have reached a certain comfort level with my procrastination—having studied it ad nauseam I realize that I suffer from “perfection syndrome”, or “if I don’t understand it, how can I do it.” (Okay, I just hit something on my keyboard and now I am composing in italics—I don’t  know why and I cannot seem to get rid of it—pardon me for a few moments while I work on this.)

  Okay, the italics went away. Now back to my “perfection syndrome”—it is annoying, and I am trying to cure myself of the malady, which you think would be easy since there are so many facets of my life where imperfection is a fact.  I generally get over perfection syndrome when faced with a deadline that will not be moved, or when I realize there are just some things in which I will never reach perfection.  But the goal of perfection is kind of what you make it.  Defined as excellence, it is a good thing; defined as flawlessness, it is not.

When Gretchen Rubin embarked on her “happiness project”, she soon realized that her critics were being a bit mean and miserable when they called her book, “The Happiness Project” the result of a newly popular genre called “stunt journalism”.  I don’t think Gretchen’s main goal was perfection in trying to find the elements of happiness, but she was looking for a form of “excellence”.  She felt she was wasting her life and she wanted to do something about it. Her stunt was to go about her goal over a period of twelve months. Each month had several goals. Apparently this plays into the definition of “stunt journalism” which is defined as “doing something for a year” (and then writing about it.)

I am all for stunt journalism or anything that gives inspiration some get up and go. Inspiration is great, but it needs motivation. Gretchen stretched her project out over a year to give it a chance, and she broke it down thus: January-boost energy by going to sleep earlier and exercising better. This was also her toss, restore, and organize month. In February she wanted to quit nagging and give proofs of love (àpropos to the month of love). In March her overall goal was to “aim higher” and enjoy “now” (à la Eckhart Tolle).

In April, she decided to “lighten up” so she began to sing in the morning. May was her “play” month, where she resolved to find more fun, take time to be silly, and “go off the path” and be more adventurous.  She made time for her friends in June and “bought her happiness” in July by indulging in a modest splurge. She got ethereal in August by “contemplating the heavens”. No one can say the girl did not set some pretty lofty goals.

Her September goal was to write a novel and she did. Not an edited, ready to publish novel, but a novel nevertheless. October was her “pay attention” month, where she meditated and “stimulated her mind in new ways”. She did this by leaving post-it notes around her home. In her bathroom she posted this note: “Tender and light-hearted.” Ten months into the project and her husband, who needed a sense of humour to get through his wife’s “happiness project”, crossed off the words “tender and light-hearted”, and changed them to “light and flaky.”

Her goal in November was quite poetic: “keep a contented heart”. She did this by focusing on her attitude to “cultivate a light-hearted loving, and kind spirit.” Month twelve, December, was boot camp, where she tried to practice all her resolutions, all the time. She had created a Resolution Chart and she wanted all gold stars for that month. (We are all kids at heart).

Her stunt was to get happier. She wrote it down and made it happen. Good stunt.

The Temperate Zone

Line art representation of the Temperate zone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is from my column of the same name “On The Homefront” which appears weekly in the Kingsville Reporter:

Fair play. Turnabout. All is fair in love and war. Okay, this column has nothing to do with the third phrase, just thought I would throw it in, in case the first two did not catch your attention. I have written ad nauseum about happiness: what it is, how to attain it, and various experiments –“The Happiness Project” conducted by Gretchen Rubin springs immediately to mind, to convince you that happiness should be not our goal, but our place of rest.

On the other hand there are people who believe “this quest for happiness at the expense of sadness, this obsession with joy without tumult, is dangerous, a deeply troubling loss of the real, of that interplay, rich and terrific, between antagonisms.” This view is held by Professor Eric G. Wilson, creator of the book “Against Happiness”.  Author David Gates joins Wilson in defying the worship of happiness, saying that Wilson has written “A lucid, literate defence of feeling like hell—and, in fact, of feeling itself.” I don’t believe that the pursuit of happiness necessarily erases feelings, particularly the melancholy ones, but instead provides a respite.

Though Wilson quotes Ralph Waldo Emersonto prove his point, I think that by taking Emerson’s words as a way to conduct your life, he hit a middle ground, rather than an extension of his argument. Emerson said, “I compared notes with one of my friends who expects everything of the universe and is disappointed when anything is less than the best, and I found that I begin at the other extreme, expecting nothing, and am always full of thanks for moderate goods…The middle region of our being is the temperate zone.”

Ralph Walso Emerson (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But who writes about the temperate zone—that in between place, where, let’s face, most of us are to be found? I agree that the eternal focus on happiness makes it even more difficult to attain. But to give in, and believe as James Hillman claims, that “Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind” is not really the way I want to go either.

I suppose to make his argument, Wilson must make some outrageous claims. He theorizes that to foster a society of total happiness is to concoct a culture of fear; that mirth gives away our courage; that we relinquish our hearts for contentment; and our “blissed out culture”  ignores sadness and feelings. I am not sure what world Wilson lives in, but I believe his book is only telling one side of the story. He tells the story intelligently, in hovering ivory tower language understood (maybe) by academes, but he doth protest too much as my favourite bard has said.

Before I was romanced by all this “send only positive statements out to the universe” and “law of attraction stuff” (being romanced does not necessarily mean being convinced), I heartily endorsed and practiced Emerson’s “moderate” stance. Neither a “glass half empty nor glass half full” kind of person, I have always believed in not checking my scepticism at the door, but neither do I invite it in. I agree that as (Samuel Taylor) Coleridge once said and Wilson quoted, “The thirsty man knows water more keenly than the sated one.” But once having known thirst, one has to admit that being sated is a much happier state.

In her attempt at corralling happiness, Gretchen Rubin found that being unhappy limited her. She did not find any great truths in her malaise, in fact she was suffering from a “recurrent sense of discontent”.

Wilson believes that “our recent culture has made it startlingly easy to live only in a world of personal dreams, a realm from which hard reality has largely been vanquished.” Again, I ask, ‘what world is he living in?’ The world of Lewis Black, I guess. Black says that he has never been Mr. Happy, and after reading Wilson’s book, he feels a “lot better about myself. It almost made me happy,” And therein lies the rub. If being unhappy makes you happy, then quite possibly you are not “deep or soulful” enough to be part of Wilson’s hypothesis. Attaining happiness is not just for soulless rubes, as Wilson seems to believe.

At one time I would have embraced Wilson and his theory that serious things are no longer serious if happiness enters the equation. But there is that place, that temperate zone where we are neither grinning idiots nor doleful intellectuals—that place that Emerson described, where we “can expect nothing”, then be “fully thankful” when we receive something.

Happy Is as Happy Does

Cover via Amazon

“I never know what I think about something
until I’ve read what I’ve written.”  –William Faulkner

Of late, I have done a little research on that somewhat slippery subject called “happiness”. I am not really sure how I feel about this whole happiness deal, so taking a cue from Mr. Faulkner, after I write this, I will reread it and find out. It seems we all have a set point for happiness, or a happiness meter if you will, and it is not calibrated very high. Moments of happiness are not the hard part: if something good happens—we are generally happy. But sustained happiness takes work.

Scoffing at happiness as a goal is not a very good way to be happy. If you think that it is not a worthy ambition, you are not the only one. Robert Louis Stevenson said that, “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” One of the references I used in my happiness research was Gretchen Rubin’s book, “The Happiness Project”. While I would like to claim it as part of my own research, the quote by Stevenson is part of her Happiness Manifesto.  Here are a few other points she makes in her Manifesto that I particularly liked:

• One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
• The days are long, but the years are short.
• You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy.
• “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” — G. K. Chesterton
• What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you, and vice versa.
• Outer order contributes to inner calm.
• Happiness comes from …wanting what you have.
• You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.

The other thing Gretchen learned in her search for happiness was to “be Gretchen”, and she found out that being Gretchen involved accepting that while she may not like highbrow music, she does like music; that while not watching television is considered intellectual, she did like watching television; and that if she tried something new and did not like it, she could quit, because it was not true to who “Gretchen” is.

In fact at the very forefront of her “Happiness Project” was the quest “to be Gretchen”. For some reason many of us are afraid to admit who we really are and what we really like and pretend to be more sophistocated than we are . A friend of mine whom I had not spoken to for decades told me that she remembered that I liked sitcoms. I was taken aback. Of all the things she could remember about me, the fact that I liked sitcoms stuck out in her memory? Actually, I was not taken aback–I was, if truth be told, insulted. But then I thought about it. I do like sitcoms. I like clever repartee, a short story that has a beginning, middle and end, and something that takes my mind off the more serious side of life.  So, if I have learned nothing more from The Happiness Project than to accept who I am, even it is does not meet my own supposedly erudite standards, then I have at least taken one step towards happiness.

Gretchen’s book is a journey, but not the sort undertaken by Henry David Thoreau who moved to Walden Pond for a couple of years, or even Elizabeth Gilbert who travelled to Italy, India, and Indonesian and wrote the book, “Eat, Pray, Love” to find their bliss. Gretchen attained happiness without leaving home. In her own words she said: “I wanted to change my life without changing my life, by finding more happiness in my kitchen”.